Reflection: What am I doing???

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"Is it wrong to be studying Economics when you literally only care about what you study in your syllabus?"

"Can I call myself a proud Malaysian, studying Economics, having concerns about BREXIT when I don't even know what exactly is happening back in my home country?"

Those are some of the questions that I have been asking myself since earlier this year. The pressure of being an Economics student, especially in one of the most notable universities in the UK for their Department of Economics is taking its toll on me.

Surrounded by friends (well... not all of them) who already have vision on what they would like to become after getting hold of their degree just makes things worse.

I feel like a loser at times. I can't give opinions on my country's current Economy. I feel like I need to know, somehow. What if someone starts asking me about it, but I end up saying "I don't know". People will start questioning what I have been doing in the UK. Wasting the citizens' tax that they paid? But I know, those are just some illusionary expectations that I feel I am obliged to fulfill.

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To start with about 6 years ago (or more), I've never thought that I'll be doing Economics in university. I was convinced that I like watching documentaries on the universe and dinosaurs. I wanted to be a Physicist (alternatively a Paleontologist/Archaeologist). I was sure that I'll be studying in Science stream. I was also equipped with the mentality that those in Arts stream are not-so-intelligent people. How big and ironic this mistake was!

But Allah has different plans for me. After shedding tears arguing with my parents, I applied for Arts stream in Kolej Islam Sultan Alam Shah (KISAS). One particular reason why I did that was because I believe in the rewards of pleasing my parents, though now I must ask, isn't there any other way I could've done that without sacrificing my own desires? A win-win solution?

Because of that decision, I narrowed my options in choosing what course I wanted to do later in higher education level. Early in my fourth form, I did tell my parents that I would appeal to be changed to the Science stream if I didn't like studying Accounting Principles and Basic Economics. However, that obviously didn't happen and I eventually finished my secondary education with flying colours (it must be stressed however, that I was internally depressed and also perceived myself as not-so-intelligent ever since, due to my own mentality).

To be honest, not many of my recently-made friends, nor those acquaintance of mine before I went to KISAS know that I took Arts stream back in secondary school. Only those whom I really really trust know about this. I was scared that people wouldn't want to be friends with me because I was a "Budak Akaun". I was scared that people will label me as the person who took the "easy way" to obtain a scholarship by getting a string of A+ by taking "not-so difficult" subjects. There were some moments when people start discussing about what they learned in SPM, I just had to keep quiet because I had no idea about what they were talking about.

My SPM results guaranteed me with a Bursary from the government to study either A-Levels, IB Diploma Programme, Foundation or Matriculation in selected institutions in their list. I chose IB partly because I knew of its diverse requirement of taking at least one subject from six different areas of knowledge. I wanted to give myself a chance to learn Physics, although I knew that in the end, I would still be heading for Economics. No matter how much I loved learning Astrophysics, I would still end up drawing Economic models rather than a Hertzsprung-Russell diagram. No matter how much I try to tell others that I want to do something else, there seems to be no concrete reason that will allow me to divert from Economics.

Having fulfilled requirements for another guaranteed scholarship by the government, I arrived here in Warwick. Sometimes I blame myself for ending up in the situation where I am now, bringing up the questions of "What if I didn't apply for Arts stream in the first place? What if I didn't choose to go to KISAS? Why didn't I change my subject combinations when I had the chance to?" I thought that by doing IB, I can erase my identity in the past, but it seems too impossible to be true, when interestingly, in university, some people are just interested to know about my background: which part of Malaysia are you from and where did you study during secondary level. Instead of saying KISAS, I would say that I went to a school in Klang. Quoting my housemate: You don't seem to have pride in your school.

Recently, I came to realise the complexity of Economics; of how you are required to be really good in Mathematics because Economists have been shaping Economics using Mathematical relationships and theorems, of how there are too many uncertainties and assumptions made when promoting a model, of how ceteris paribus is not applicable when it comes to the real world, of how complex and unpredictable humans can be. How arrogant you must have been to be calling a person studying such a demanding and hardcore subject like this, a not-so-intelligent person? And worst of all, you looked down onto yourself!

Earlier this year, my senior suggested that I went for a programme in a mosque in Birmingham. I went and we had an ice-breaking session (although it happened halfway through the programme). We had a short game, in which everyone is given a small piece of paper, and we were supposed to write three questions, hand in the paper and they were shuffled and redistributed randomly. Mine had two questions written on it (I must say that I'm still interested to know who wrote the questions because it really struck me hard).

The questions were:
1. If you could go back in time, what would you want to change?
2. If you're surrounded by bad guys, what would you do?

I answered both questions although only one was required. Answering question 1, I deeply want to go back in time and tell my younger and immatured self: "It doesn't matter what you study, as long as you can give back to the community, you must have pride in yourself. Don't let others step on you by believing that you are worthless."

Recently, I became more uncertain about what I study, to the point that I am afraid to make simple conclusions or suggestions of what policies should be implemented to fix the economy. At the same time, when I read articles concerning Malaysia, I became really depressed to the extent that I do not want to, anymore.

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"No, I don't think so. Consider yourself being in a better position than those who know that they do not know, but choose to ignore it."

And here in front of me, a person who I wish to be (in many aspects, in fact). Probably she forgot that I study Economics. Maybe not... maybe I just happened to make a stupid comment upon myself/ask a stupid question when she was doing her homework. How could she have known precisely what sort of answer I wanted from her?

"We're not even in Malaysia. It makes sense if you don't know exactly everything."

Such reassuring words.

But it doesn't mean that I should let myself dwell in ignorance anymore. As long as I haven't cleared the recurring questions/regrets that I have out of my heart, until then, I won't be able to have pride in myself. Until then, I will stumble when something doesn't go my way. Until then, I will call myself a loser. Until then, I would continue to ask; "What am I doing?"

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Deep in my heart, I want to forget all of these unnecessary outrage, and start a journey that I can always smile upon in every glimpse of my life.

*I've recently developed a deep interest in Economic History and would like to study about Malaysia's Economic History in particular. If this is an area that needs more exploration and research, I would definitely want to go for it. Hence, the goal of getting a PhD. I ask Allah for His guidance throughout my entire life. Ameen~*