Je Parle un peu du Français: Joyeux Anniversaire, Mon Ami!

(This text was written first in English, and then in French. Due to the hiatus in writing in French, I have used very simple words and sentence structure when writing in French, and some may sound a little weird/wrong because of direct translation and yes, the help of Mr Google Translate although I know it is not always reliable. Furthermore, not everything in the English version is included in the French version.)

Aujourd'hui est l'anniversaire de l'une des personnes les plus influentes dans ma vie.
Je voulais lui souhaiter «Joyeux anniversaire» sur Facebook, mais je ne peux pas trouver son compte. Peut-être, il l'a désactivé.

Voici des informations sur lui:

1. Il est attentif, analytique et attentionné. Il se rapproche de ceux qui semblent lutter de l'intérieur. L'une d'eux était moi. Il savait que j'ai un complexe d'infériorité et le manque de confiance.
2. Il a été celui qui m'a dit que j'hésite beaucoup, donc parfois je perdre beaucoup d'occasions de briller.
3. Il m'a comparé avec une de mes amies. Il disait que j'ai les mêmes qualités comme elle, mais elle excelle plus que moi parce qu'elle n'hésite pas et elle a de confiance.
4. Il m'a poussé à devenir la personne que je suis aujourd'hui; faire des activités de plein air que j'aime, essayer des nouvelles activités (par exemple, maintenant j'ai fait ma première randonnée dans le Royaume-Uni, l'escrime, et dans l'avenir, mon premier demi-marathon en Avril, Incha'Allah), débattre dans la classe et faire une présentation (ou ma participation pour une position dans une élection).
5. Il m'a beaucoup aidé dans mes études; par exemple dans la Littérature Anglaise et le Théâtre.
6. Il avait un "brunch" avec moi au Mamak et m'écoutait quand j'étais triste (quand le moment mon frère aîné a quitté la Malaisie pour étudier au Royaume-Uni).
7. Il est passionné sur des philosophies et des idéologies et les partagent avec moi, bien que parfois je n'en comprendre pas.
8. Nous avons fait beaucoup de projets ensemble, par exemple, la présentation sur l'énergie nucléaire pour la Physique et Epic Theatre pour le Théâtre.
9. Il a également laissé moi d'utiliser son caméra (j'étais photographe pour un jour) pendant notre voyage de bénévolat de classe au Cambodge, bien qu'il savait que ma connaissance de la photographie est peu.
10. Il a donné des réactions constructifs pour moi après une présentation/un débat pour m'encourager à avoir plus d'expérience pratique dans le développement de mes compétences en communication

Il a un an plus âgé que moi, alors, je le regarde comme un frère aîné.

Joyeux anniversaire, mon ami!

***

Today is the birthday of one of the most influential people in my life.
I wanted to wish him "Happy Birthday" on Facebook, but I can't seem to find his account. He may have deactivated it.

A little background about him:

1. A very observant person, analytical and caring. Throughout my time being with him, he approaches those who seem to struggle from the inside. One of them was me. He knew that I have an inferiority complex and lack of confidence, just by observing me a lot.
2. He was the one who told me that I hesitate a lot, hence sometimes lose a lot of opportunities to shine.
3. He even compared me to a friend of mine, telling that the both of us have the same qualities, yet my friend excels further because she never hesitates and trusts her guts.
4. He pushed me to become the person that I am today; doing the outdoor activities that I like, trying out new things (for example, hiking in the UK, fencing, and in the future, my very first half-marathon in April, InsyaAllah), debating in class and doing a presentation (or running for a position in an election).
5. He also helped me a lot in my studies; English Literature and Theatre Arts.
6. He was also willing to have brunch with me at the Mamak and listen to my rants about how sad I was when my older brother left Malaysia to study in the UK.
7. He is passionate about philosophies and ideologies and often share a little about them to me, although sometimes they just don't make sense to me. (Maybe not really something that I would cherish about him)
8. We did a lot of class projects together, from Physics presentation about Nuclear Energy to Epic Theatre for Theatre Arts.
9. He also let me use one of his cameras (be a photographer for one day) during our class volunteering trip to Cambodia, even though he knew that my knowledge on photography is very little.
10. He gave constructive feedback to me after a presentation/a debate in order to encourage me to have more hands-on experience in developing my communication skills

He is one year older than me, a person whom I look up to as a big brother.

Happy birthday, my friend!

Reflection: What am I doing???

***

"Is it wrong to be studying Economics when you literally only care about what you study in your syllabus?"

"Can I call myself a proud Malaysian, studying Economics, having concerns about BREXIT when I don't even know what exactly is happening back in my home country?"

Those are some of the questions that I have been asking myself since earlier this year. The pressure of being an Economics student, especially in one of the most notable universities in the UK for their Department of Economics is taking its toll on me.

Surrounded by friends (well... not all of them) who already have vision on what they would like to become after getting hold of their degree just makes things worse.

I feel like a loser at times. I can't give opinions on my country's current Economy. I feel like I need to know, somehow. What if someone starts asking me about it, but I end up saying "I don't know". People will start questioning what I have been doing in the UK. Wasting the citizens' tax that they paid? But I know, those are just some illusionary expectations that I feel I am obliged to fulfill.

***

To start with about 6 years ago (or more), I've never thought that I'll be doing Economics in university. I was convinced that I like watching documentaries on the universe and dinosaurs. I wanted to be a Physicist (alternatively a Paleontologist/Archaeologist). I was sure that I'll be studying in Science stream. I was also equipped with the mentality that those in Arts stream are not-so-intelligent people. How big and ironic this mistake was!

But Allah has different plans for me. After shedding tears arguing with my parents, I applied for Arts stream in Kolej Islam Sultan Alam Shah (KISAS). One particular reason why I did that was because I believe in the rewards of pleasing my parents, though now I must ask, isn't there any other way I could've done that without sacrificing my own desires? A win-win solution?

Because of that decision, I narrowed my options in choosing what course I wanted to do later in higher education level. Early in my fourth form, I did tell my parents that I would appeal to be changed to the Science stream if I didn't like studying Accounting Principles and Basic Economics. However, that obviously didn't happen and I eventually finished my secondary education with flying colours (it must be stressed however, that I was internally depressed and also perceived myself as not-so-intelligent ever since, due to my own mentality).

To be honest, not many of my recently-made friends, nor those acquaintance of mine before I went to KISAS know that I took Arts stream back in secondary school. Only those whom I really really trust know about this. I was scared that people wouldn't want to be friends with me because I was a "Budak Akaun". I was scared that people will label me as the person who took the "easy way" to obtain a scholarship by getting a string of A+ by taking "not-so difficult" subjects. There were some moments when people start discussing about what they learned in SPM, I just had to keep quiet because I had no idea about what they were talking about.

My SPM results guaranteed me with a Bursary from the government to study either A-Levels, IB Diploma Programme, Foundation or Matriculation in selected institutions in their list. I chose IB partly because I knew of its diverse requirement of taking at least one subject from six different areas of knowledge. I wanted to give myself a chance to learn Physics, although I knew that in the end, I would still be heading for Economics. No matter how much I loved learning Astrophysics, I would still end up drawing Economic models rather than a Hertzsprung-Russell diagram. No matter how much I try to tell others that I want to do something else, there seems to be no concrete reason that will allow me to divert from Economics.

Having fulfilled requirements for another guaranteed scholarship by the government, I arrived here in Warwick. Sometimes I blame myself for ending up in the situation where I am now, bringing up the questions of "What if I didn't apply for Arts stream in the first place? What if I didn't choose to go to KISAS? Why didn't I change my subject combinations when I had the chance to?" I thought that by doing IB, I can erase my identity in the past, but it seems too impossible to be true, when interestingly, in university, some people are just interested to know about my background: which part of Malaysia are you from and where did you study during secondary level. Instead of saying KISAS, I would say that I went to a school in Klang. Quoting my housemate: You don't seem to have pride in your school.

Recently, I came to realise the complexity of Economics; of how you are required to be really good in Mathematics because Economists have been shaping Economics using Mathematical relationships and theorems, of how there are too many uncertainties and assumptions made when promoting a model, of how ceteris paribus is not applicable when it comes to the real world, of how complex and unpredictable humans can be. How arrogant you must have been to be calling a person studying such a demanding and hardcore subject like this, a not-so-intelligent person? And worst of all, you looked down onto yourself!

Earlier this year, my senior suggested that I went for a programme in a mosque in Birmingham. I went and we had an ice-breaking session (although it happened halfway through the programme). We had a short game, in which everyone is given a small piece of paper, and we were supposed to write three questions, hand in the paper and they were shuffled and redistributed randomly. Mine had two questions written on it (I must say that I'm still interested to know who wrote the questions because it really struck me hard).

The questions were:
1. If you could go back in time, what would you want to change?
2. If you're surrounded by bad guys, what would you do?

I answered both questions although only one was required. Answering question 1, I deeply want to go back in time and tell my younger and immatured self: "It doesn't matter what you study, as long as you can give back to the community, you must have pride in yourself. Don't let others step on you by believing that you are worthless."

Recently, I became more uncertain about what I study, to the point that I am afraid to make simple conclusions or suggestions of what policies should be implemented to fix the economy. At the same time, when I read articles concerning Malaysia, I became really depressed to the extent that I do not want to, anymore.

***

"No, I don't think so. Consider yourself being in a better position than those who know that they do not know, but choose to ignore it."

And here in front of me, a person who I wish to be (in many aspects, in fact). Probably she forgot that I study Economics. Maybe not... maybe I just happened to make a stupid comment upon myself/ask a stupid question when she was doing her homework. How could she have known precisely what sort of answer I wanted from her?

"We're not even in Malaysia. It makes sense if you don't know exactly everything."

Such reassuring words.

But it doesn't mean that I should let myself dwell in ignorance anymore. As long as I haven't cleared the recurring questions/regrets that I have out of my heart, until then, I won't be able to have pride in myself. Until then, I will stumble when something doesn't go my way. Until then, I will call myself a loser. Until then, I would continue to ask; "What am I doing?"

***

Deep in my heart, I want to forget all of these unnecessary outrage, and start a journey that I can always smile upon in every glimpse of my life.

*I've recently developed a deep interest in Economic History and would like to study about Malaysia's Economic History in particular. If this is an area that needs more exploration and research, I would definitely want to go for it. Hence, the goal of getting a PhD. I ask Allah for His guidance throughout my entire life. Ameen~*

The Letter that can NEVER be Sent

Dear,

I am a loser, a coward

I can only watch you from the distance

I can never go and ask

"Why are you like this?"

You looked straight into my eyes the first day we met

Nobody has ever been very interested in me like how you did

Your eyes pierced my heart

Their sharpness shattered my voice

I was intimidated by you

But at the same time, mesmerised

I deny the voices that say

"You both are alike in a way"

To me, you were on top of the mountain

I was just starting to climb it

How can we both be the same?

Now you seem very fragile

I feel like slapping you

Before I grab you into my arms

How would you feel if you know

That someone else is distracted thinking about you?

Rain fell onto me I chose to ignore

The sky seemed to understand me more

I drank my coconut juice like a drunkard

Watching figures pass by with a sore

You saw and turned to confirm my identity

My eyes caught your subtle movements

I felt like the tables were turned

Then it was me who is petrifying

I am a loser, a coward

I let you walk away from me

Finishing my juice became the highest priority

Hoping that it soothes my heart

Instead of you having to face me

Assumptions, too many assumptions

In truth, there's no point of me

Giving a biased perspective upon you

These words may not hold true anymore because

I am a loser, a coward

I can only watch you from the distance

I can never go and ask

"Why are you like this?"

From,
Someone you know.

*Inspired by past events*

Adding Two with Two: Buku Harian Baim

Untuk post ini, saya akan menggunakan bahasa ibunda saya iaitu Bahasa Malaysia. Hal ini disebabkan saya rasa ada beberapa perkara yang lebih mudah diterangkan dalam BM berbanding Bahasa Inggeris.

Buku Harian Baim... sebuah sinetron yang ditayangkan di TV9, setiap hari Isnin hingga Jumaat pada 5.30 petang, sejurus selepas Upin & Ipin. Berdasarkan tajuk. senang untuk kita memahami bahawa sinetron ini mengisahkan karakter yang bernama Baim, yang mempunyai diari, memandangkan menggunakan logik umum, "buku harian" bermaksud diari. Hehe... ini baru sahaja bercerita tentang tajuk, belum apa-apa lain lagi...

Saya tidak pasti bermula episod ke berapa saya mula menonton sinetron ini, yang pastinya saya tidak menontonnya sejak dari episod pertama. Oleh itu, saya terpaksalah menggunakan kemahiran "Adding Two with Two" untuk menghubungkan cerita, watak-watak, tema dan konflik yang hendak disampaikan melalui cerita ini.

Minat saya terhadap sinetron ini bermula kerana saya tertarik pada lagu OST yang dicipta khas untuk sinetron ini. Lagu OSTnya diberi tajuk "Catatanku" dan dinyanyikan oleh Melly Goeslaw dan pelakon cilik yang melakonkan watak Baim, Ibrahim Khalil Alkatiri.

Plot sinetron ini amat mudah. Errr... sebenarnya agak rumit... Baim atau nama sebenarnya Ibrahim, seorang kanak-kanak berusia 4 tahun telah disahkan mengalami penyakit Spineccerebellar Degeneration, satu penyakit di mana dia mengalami kekurangan cairan otak yang boleh membawa kepada kelumpuhan. Apabila mengetahui dirinya sudah tidak mempunyai banyak masa untuk hidup, Baim melukis semua kenangan-kenangan manisnya dalam diarinya. Ini plot utamanya, tetapi kebiasaannya, ada laa plot sampingan yang merumitkan cerita, bukan?

Konflik

1. Baim tinggal bersama ibunya yang merupakan seorang ibu tunggal, Alya yang hanya bekerja sebagai seorang guru tadika. Dia juga tinggal bersama kakaknya, Fiona (kemudiannya lari dari rumah kerana mengejar impian menjadi orang kaya) dan abang angkatnya, Satria.
2. Untuk membiayai kos perubatan Baim, Satria telah meminjam sejumlah wang yang besar daripada seorang usahawan kaya, Doni Atmaja. Untuk membayar balik pinjamannya, Satria bekerja sambilan di pejabat Doni kerana dia juga merupakan seorang pelajar universiti. Pada masa yang sama, Satria berpacaran dengan anak angkat Doni, bernama Olive, di universiti. Hubungan antara Satria dan Doni amat tegang (saya tak pasti mengapa, mungkin sebab hakikat Satria berpacaran dengan Olive atau Doni mendesak Satria untuk membayar hutangnya secepat mungkin)
3. Doni sentiasa melawat Baim di hospital dan menggelarkan dirinya sebagai Papa Power Rangers. Identitinya menjadi satu persoalan besar kerana Doni sentiasa memakai topeng Power Rangers merah sewaktu melawat Baim. Alya pada mulanya gembira kerana ada insan yang sanggup meluangkan masa menghibur dan menemani Baim, tetapi apabila dia mendapat tahu bahawa Papa Power Rangers merupakan Doni, dia melarang Baim berjumpa dengannya.
4. Doni mendesak Satria untuk membayar hutangnya secepat mungkin. Setelah berbincang dengan Satria, Alya menawarkan dirinya untuk berjumpa dengan bos Satria di pejabatnya. Tanpa mengetahui identiti bos Satria, Alya telah pergi ke pejabat Doni. Sewaktu dia dipanggil untuk masuk ke dalam pejabat Doni, Alya sekali lagi mendapat tahu bahawa Donilah yang telah meminjamkan wang untuk kos perubatan Baim. Alya akhirnya tidak berjumpa dengan bos Satria.
5. Rupa-rupanya Doni merupakan bekas suami Alya. Doni telah menceraikan Alya demi mengejar kekayaan yang ditawarkan oleh isteri keduanya yang bernama Lisa. Lisa merupakan ibu kandung Olive. Ini apa yang Alya tahu. Pada hakikatnya, Doni sebenarnya rasa terhutang budi dengan Lisa yang telah memberikannya wang untuk membiayai kos perubatan anak perempuan mereka, Fiona. Tambahan pula, Lisa telah mengugut Doni untuk mengahwininya sebagai pampasan untuk hutangnya.
6. Doni mendapat tahu bahawa Baim merupakan anak Alya. Dia cuba untuk menjalankan tanggungjawabnya sebagai seorang bapa terhadap Baim. Dalam proses itu, Doni yang hanya menguruskan syarikat milik Lisa, telah dibuang kerja dan jatuh miskin. Untuk menyara hidup (dan kos perubatan Baim), Doni membaiki barang-barang/alatan-alatan elektronik yang pecah/rosak.
7. Bukan mudah untuk Alya menerima Doni semula dan ia mengambil masa yang lama untuk Alya akhirnya mengakui keikhlasan hati Doni.
8. Seorang doktor pakar kanak-kanak tiba-tiba muncul dan dia bertekad untuk menyembuhkan Baim. Namanya Dr Krisna. Krisna merasakan dirinya terhutang budi kepada Baim kerana Baim telah menggembirakan hatinya di saat dia kebuntuan. Konflik seterusnya muncul apabila hakikat Krisna merupakan abang kandung Satria didedahkan. Satria membenci Krisna kerana dia tidak berada di samping ibunya sewaktu ibunya sakit tenat sebelum kematiannya.
9. Peluang untuk Baim selamat dan pulih dalam pembedahan yang akan dilakukan oleh Dr Krisna amatlah tipis.

Sebenarnya, banyak lagi konflik lain, tetapi tak larat untuk menaip semuanya di sini.

Saya tidak sempat untuk menonton siri ini hingga ke penghujungnya kerana telah memulakan pelajaran di United Kingdom, tetapi mesej yang saya perolehi daripada adik saya di Malaysia ialah pada akhirnya, Baim meninggal dunia (huhuhu... sedihnya...). Tapi bagi saya, banyak pengajaran yang telah saya perolehi daripada sinetron Buku Harian Baim ini.

Pengajaran

1. Hidup ini merupakan sebuah proses pembelajaran. Doni tidak pernah terlibat dalam proses membesarkan Baim. Apabila bersama Baim, dia pada mulanya tidak pasti akan tanggngjawabnya sebagai seorang bapa. Monolog dalamannya jelas menunjukkan penyesalan yang dia alami kerana telah mengabaikan Baim, dan dia bertekad untuk belajar menjadi seorang bapa mithali. Daripada contoh ini, apa yang dapat saya simpulkan ialah tidak kiralah siapa diri kita, atau apa pun keadaan kita sekalipun, tidak salah untuk kita mempelajari daripada kesilapan-kesilapan lalu untuk dijadikan pengajaran, seterusnya menjadi pendorong untuk memperbaiki diri sendiri.
2. Kanak-kanak merupakan entiti yang suci. Mereka pada fitrahnya tidak dikotori dengan kejahatan. Dalam apa jua situasi, Alya telah mengajar Baim bahawa Allah SWT sahajalah tempat dia perlu memohon pertolongan. Baim juga tabah meneruskan kehidupannya kerana dia yakin bahawa dia telah dijanjikan dengan syurga Allah. Untuk itu, dia sentiasa memikirkan cara-cara untuk menghiburkan hati karakter-karakter yang sedang bersedih atau ditimpa kesusahan. Sekali-sekala sinetron ini akan menampilkan karakter-karakter yang mengkritik tindakan Alya "menyuntik" impian untuk cepat mati (dan bertemu dengan Pencipta di syurga) kepada Baim. Namun disebabkan kesucian hatinya, Baim kuat berpegang kepada nasihat-nasihat ibunya dan tidak putus membawa senyuman kepada orang-orang di sekelilingnya.
3. Manusia sanggup melakukan apa sahaja demi mencapai kepuasan hati mereka, selagi mana mereka tidak berpegang kepada ajaran Allah SWT. Watak Lisa layak diberi kredit untuk pengajaran ini. Untuk memastikan Doni tidak kembali kepada Alya, Lisa pernah merancang untuk membunuh Alya. Untuk tidak mengotori tangannya sendiri, dia menggunakan Fiona, anak kandung Alya untuk membunuhnya. Lisa telah membelikan Fiona sebuah kereta baru dengan syarat Fiona dapat melanggar lari Alya pada satu malam (Fiona hanya dapat tahu yang dia perlu langgar Alya pada malam kejadian). Namun begitu, rancangan tersebut tidak berjaya kerana Fiona tidak sanggup untuk melanggar ibunya sendiri. Beberapa episod kemudian, sewaktu Alya dan Doni bakal bernikah semula, Lisa berpura-pura menghidap kanser untuk meraih simpati Alya. Dia tahu bahawa Alya pasti akan mengetepikan niatnya untuk bersama semula dengan Doni kerana Alya pasti mahukan Doni menjaga Lisa yang "hampir menemui ajalnya". Lisa berjaya dalam rancangannya ini apabila sewaktu akad nikah, Alya menyuarakan bahawa dia tidak bersetuju untuk berkahwin dengan Doni. Dalam kes Lisa, dia bukanlah merebut kekayaan (dia dah memang kaya), tetapi amatlah jelas diperlihatkan bahawa sifat hasad dengki yang telah mendorongnya untuk melakukan rencana-rencana jahat terhadap Alya dan keluarganya.

Sekian sahaja post kali ini. Banyak lagi pengajaran yang saya dapat daripada sinetron ini, tetapi saya tidak dapat nak mengingatkan semula semuanya (perbezaan waktu antara kali terakhir saya menonton sinetron ini dan sewaktu saya menulis post ini adalah lebih kurang 5 bulan)