AIESEC Global Volunteer Experience Reflection

After a moment, I felt like as if I made a huge mistake. I had two offers resulting from the three interviews that I went through when applying for projects in the AIESEC Opportunities page. The first one was to teach English in Phnom Penh, Cambodia and the second one was to teach English and conduct fun leadership programmes for children in Depok, Indonesia. After seeking consent and opinions from my parents, I chose Indonesia. But deep in my heart, I wanted to go to Cambodia instead.

Probably there are hikmahs behind all of these. Who knows? Just have to be patient and see what Allah has planned for me.

After more than a month of completing this exchange in Indonesia, I came to realise that there are no mistakes. Allah has placed me in this direction for a reason; He wants me to develop.

The first and foremost reason why I really didn't want to go to Indonesia was because of the non-existence of language barrier, well... at least for me. Malaysia and Indonesia share a lot of similarities in terms of language, history and culture. Only when these two countries were colonised by the different colonies, things started to divide in between us. We became too obsessed with our separate nationalisms that we ended up in becoming two different countries. Before I diverge too much let me just go back to the language discussion. So basically, because I technically can speak Bahasa Indonesia fluently, I felt like everything will be just fine. Besides, people will mistake me as a local and in fact, that's what really happened.

I came across the Bahasa Indonesia during my childhood days when I used to watch a lot of Sinetrons (Indonesian dramas) with subtitles. A lot of Indonesians also migrate to Malaysia to find jobs that will ensure they are able to provide food on their dinner table. Some of them work at the local neighbourhood market, so sometimes I would interact with them. At times, I would sometimes imitate how Indonesians speak, but I'm really sorry to say, when we Malaysians imitate, it is usually made in a playful manner.

I thought that when I had these "practices" in imitating how Indonesians speak. I would never encounter any problem. However, when I got there, I somehow felt like I would offend someone if I try to speak like an Indonesian. So I tried to keep true to myself and speak normally like I do when I speak my mother tongue. What happened was that my speech became really unnatural as I try to use Indonesian vocabs into my Malaysian way of speaking. It felt really weird to omit "lah" from my sentences and to speak kind of like a "Bahasa Baku" (Indonesians stress on the vowels pronunciation really hard).

Upon knowing that I understand the local language, sometimes due to lack of translators showing up for the English lessons, the organising committee will prioritise other classes that need a translator more than my class does. I would end up becoming a translator instead! On other occasions, such as travelling around Jakarta on a public transport, a lot of my fellow Exchange Participants like to travel with me as communication would be easier.

So I did a lot of communications with the people around me; the teachers, the pupils in the schools that we taught, the locals and my friends. Being on this exchange enhanced my communication skills and boosted my confidence when being around new people. So if I taught that non-existence of language barriers sucked, well think again! Probably with a language barrier, I wouldn't have been able to put a lot of my communication skills to practice and only relying on others to do the talking for me.

The second method how Allah wanted me to improve myself was by surrounding me with people of different cultural, political and religious background. Although I listed three kinds of background, I will focus on the third one which is religion. I was really lucky to have gotten into serious and deep conversations with a few other Exchange Participants while we chill out and have something to sip on. These conversations widened my horizon to the different kinds of treatment towards religion; some people believe and pray to God, but just doesn't want to engage in religious commitments such as praying 5 times a day or going for a weekly church sermon; and some don't even give a shit about it although it is proven that at some points of their life, they really depended on God's miracle to help them; and people similar to me, learning about God and doing our best to live the life that He wanted us to, except that we have different beliefs (for she is a Christian).

Allah wanted me to question myself on why I'm doing the stuffs that I do by using my friends as a medium (they asked me questions), for example "Why do I pray five times a day?" or "Why do I wear a tudung (hijab)?". Is it because of what was written in the Quran? Is it because I fear God and His Hellfire? Or is it because I truly understand the reason behind the creation of humans; to become his Servant and to become the ones responsible upon the World?

And as I gave answers to these questions, I reflect back on myself, am I really doing what I am saying? Each of these moments were the reminders that Allah sent to me, to always make sure that I am on track whenever I get laid back in certain aspects of my life; eg. when I pray just for the sake of making movements, but my focus and attention are somewhere else other than to Allah.

The third aspect that Allah wanted me to develop was my kindness. Kindness, according to most of the "sugar cubes" (appreciation letter) that I got from my friends, is a core value that makes up my character. This actually ties back with the first thing that I mentioned above, which is that I didn't have any problems in terms of language barriers. If it had not been for me to be able to communicate well with the people around me, I don't think I would have been able to help and support my friends throughout the programme. I wouldn't have had the confidence to accompany my injured friend to a hospital if I couldn't speak the local language. It was a bonus for me to have the capabilities to communicate well with the locals, as without them, I wouldn't have been able to do any form of kindness, and ultimately, wouldn't even realise this quality of mine as my "sugar cubes" would be filled in other adjectives to describe me (which would be different as different people perceive me differently; "kind" was a repetitive word that I received from them).

Hence I thank Allah for placing me in this path, a path that I once hated but now cherished as I realise the benefits that I gained by going through it boldly.

Let's talk about... Debit Card and Contactless

These last few days in Malaysia witnessed me rushing to banks to change my bank ATM cards into the new updated Debit Cards equipped with Contactless (PayWave in Malaysia) function. Half of me exclaimed "Cool!" but the other half of me... "meh...".

When I first arrived in the UK last September and opened my bank account, I received my first Debit Card and in addition to that, I can use Contactless.

I really love my Debit Card. I felt like I have infinite spending power. Added with the fact that when you go anywhere, there's no doubt that your card will be accepted at the payment counter, even when you're only buying something worth 50 pence. No cash needed! No need to withdraw money when you want to buy something. That is the main benefit that a Debit Card holder has.

Besides that, one can use his/her Debit Card for online transactions. It functions the same way as a Credit Card, only that you need to have enough funds in your account to be able to make the payment instead of "borrowing from the bank and paying back the money in installments plus dividend" and most transactions do not require you to pay transaction costs. Transactions like buying your flight tickets to buying items from Amazon just have become easier and more accessible.

As for Contactless, I don't really use it because I was afraid that when I don't always press my PIN code on the card machine, I may forget what it is. In situations where there may be a lot of people waiting in line to pay (or use the ATM), it would take up a whole lot of time to try figure out what my PIN code is. Alhamdulillah, my memory is still ok and I can still remember what my PIN code is without needing to "practice" remembering it.

Behind all of those spendings, I actually keep all my receipts and track my spending. Each month I will take about 30 minutes recording on a book where I spent, what I spent on, and how much money I spent. By the end of the recent academic year, I realised that I haven't been doing any savings. True, it is not necessary for me to save since the government sponsors me, but I do have a few dreams that I want to achieve, for example performing the Umrah, and that needs money. Wanna wait until I work and save? No, people, this is something that you need to train before you enter your career life. To be wary of your money, spending only on what you need and saving (a.k.a being responsible upon your money) is something that we all should master even before we begin working.

Now back to my story in Malaysia, now I can freely use my Debit Cards for a lot of transactions without needing to go to the ATM to withdraw cash, and also use online transactions, however, I am afraid of what this accessibility offers. Like I said before, having a Debit Card does enable cost-free transactions and better accessibility to instant money without having to carry a lot of cash with you. But... proceed with caution! Remember I told you that I felt like I had limitless purchasing power? The thing is, without cash, people tend to care less about their spendings. They'll spend, spend and spend; until they realise that they only have very little money left, but still have a long long long way to go before they get their next paycheck/allowances. Nauzubillahi min dzalik.

This is what came out of my mind the very moment that I received my Debit Cards. I've never experienced it but I've seen someone who went through this with my very own eyes. So, with this in mind, I would like to remind everyone including myself, to always be prudent when spending. Only buy items that you need and prevent wastage as much as possible. It's not wrong to buy things that you've been fancying for a while, for example buying the latest iPhone model or the latest fashion designs, but every time we want to purchase it, always ask ourselves, do I really need this? Will it really benefit me and others around me?

Will be missing home, off back to the battleground: university.

Reflection: J'étais malade

I have decided to muster up all my strength (courage) to write at least one post after a while...

Today is actually the sixth day since I've been sick and I still have a bit residue of the sickness, You may ask; why am I using the imparfait form of être which refers to an action in the past, when I am still sick?

Well, the answer is quite simple, "For how long do you want to pamper yourself and make it a reason to not be productive?"

If you've known me for like, I don't know... at least 2 years, and you've lived with me long enough to know me inside out, then you must have realised that I rarely get sick. Know that when I do, you'll have to spend the entire week looking at a half-dead Liyana. Yup! That's Liyana for you!

Take this interesting example; Last year in March (or was it February?), I was in my final sem in IB at Taylor's. It was the most horrible semester that I've gone through honestly. I was in the middle of submitting all the IAs and doing my not-so-wonderful EE and all, when I suddenly fell really sick. My blood pressure got really low for an unknown reason. When I try to walk, I can't walk straight because my head keep spinning around and I felt like a part of my head was really light, when the rest are quite heavy. 

Alhamdulillah I didn't really have anything important to submit in for that week, so once I knew that there was something wrong with me, I asked one of my housemates to accompany me to the clinic. We got there and the doctor did an examination on me. She concluded that I am feeling that way because my blood pressure was really low. She told me to drink lots of 100PLUS (or any isotonic drinks) to replenish my fluids or something. But my friend told me to not do that when we were on the way back to our apartment.

Note that I started to become sick on Monday, and it is until Friday that my parents decided to pick me up from Sri Hartamas and brought me to a hospital. In between, I skipped a lot of classes. I did come for a few, for example; Maths on Wednesday and Friday, and seeing my Theatre Arts teacher in our Theatre studio to discuss on my research essay on which day I can't remember. But during these classes, I can't hold a pen properly and it was hard for me to write down anything. The ultimate backlash moment for me was on Friday when I had Maths HL, in which my teacher decided to teach us proving/show questions. Since I can't write, so for the entire class, I took photos, which is something that I rarely do in Maths. My brain took in too much in order to understand what was being taught, so by the end of the lesson, I felt very dizzy and decided to go home, I was supposed to have English Literature right after Maths, but I told my classmate of my absence.

And so, coming back to the present: I started feeling sick on Tuesday afternoon, approximately one day after attending SCUK16. I went back to sleep after doing my Subuh prayer, and then woke up for the second time around almost noon. After breakfast (or lunch I suppose), I started to vacuum the living room and stairs, but I only used my left hand at that. You see, my right arm has been in great pain ever since I cut branches while volunteering to clear the woods. It's probably due to me overexerting myself when I was sawing off the branches, especially the stubborn-thick-hard ones. One day before, I was carrying my friend's tripod with my right hand, since I carelessly forgot that I can't utilise my right arm to do heavy labour. And of course, the previous day: I was too excited that I didn't want to miss any opportunities to play water sports, especially the katakanu that relied a lot on your arms. Interestingly, I was aware at this moment that I should avoid overstraining my right arm, so I quickly secured a spot on the left side of the katakanu, which I knew that when I row, most strength would have to come from my left arm, and my right one just as the stabiliser. But anyway... my right arm hurt a lot, to the extent that I need my other arm to support it when trying to move it. 

My body temperature started to rise and I started to cough really badly. Apparently I didn't even need to make an announcement to tell people in my house that I was sick, they just knew it by heart: through the loudness of my cough and my unusual movement when I'm using the toilet. My first and second day of sickness were the toughest phase. My body temperature was really high (though I do not know how high, but I can tell you it is) and it was my turn to make an economic briefing for my group. Alhamdulillah, I did manage to complete it on time. Although I did the best that I could, condition to that I was sick, I knew I could have done better when I'm healthy.

By the third day, I decided to follow my housemate to TESCO, to get some fresh air. It took us quite a while because my walking pace was slow. Once reaching there, I had to find a place to sit, and then the toilet as a result of drinking a lot of water. I only wanted to get bread (since bread was the only food that tasted nice since my taste buds went crazy up until yesterday ie. fifth day being sick), but ended up buying a few other stuffs along the way.

I literally didn't do any revisions for the third and fourth day, even though my coursemates keep discussing answers to questions through Facebook group chat. Honestly, I was stressed out with the fact that I wasn't doing anything. So, on the fifth day, when I felt that my body temperature was at a tolerable level, I started watching videos on lecture capture (uni website where it contains all recorded lectures). I must say, my choice of module is also quite correct. I chose to start off with CDA (Computing & Data Analysis), a module in which students are taught how to use a software called STATA. I had a problem in understanding the lectures because I kept making silly mistakes when giving commands to STATA and at one point, STATA became crazy and kept making loops of repeated stuffs when I tried to load my previous works. Alhamdulillah, that is now sorted out.

But amidst all, I learnt a few things about myself, reflecting back on my sickness:

1. I really like dried fruits. At TESCO, I was looking for dried fruits, but they were like soooooo expensive! I prefer dried apricots and prunes, but they were around 2 pounds more expensive than dried figs, so I bought dried figs in the end. Tracing back my past, I've been buying dried fruits since I was in secondary school. It started with dried mangoes, and then dried guava, and then other fruits. They are my snacks especially when I'm studying.
2. My cravings are ridiculously wild when I am sick. I felt like eating kimchi because I wanted something that can give a "kick"  when I swallow it. My older brother and younger sister will be saying "chincha?" to me in astonishment. For me~ hehe~ since I still prefer Japanese over Korean, I told myself "hee~ majide?" instead. 
3. It doesn't hurt to let my parents/family know that I'm sick. Because of the fact that I'm here in the UK and they're over there back in Malaysia, I thought that it wouldn't really be much of a big deal for them to know of my current wellbeing. They kinda found out about it through my FB post and immediately asked me about my health (OMG now I feel like I have to control what I post because they're stalking me, just kidding). But I guess I should have informed them too so that they can give me tips/remedies to fight off the sickness.
4. 21, and still not sure how to use water effectively when swallowing a pill. No need explanation, I guess... I'm old enough to be called a lady but I still need to use my finger to push the pill down to my throat, or else, I'll just be drinking lots of water without actually swallowing the pill.

Well, that's it for this post, I know, such a ridiculous one at it. Macam tak bermanfaat sgt la for you who are reading this.

Je Parle un peu du Français: Joyeux Anniversaire, Mon Ami!

(This text was written first in English, and then in French. Due to the hiatus in writing in French, I have used very simple words and sentence structure when writing in French, and some may sound a little weird/wrong because of direct translation and yes, the help of Mr Google Translate although I know it is not always reliable. Furthermore, not everything in the English version is included in the French version.)

Aujourd'hui est l'anniversaire de l'une des personnes les plus influentes dans ma vie.
Je voulais lui souhaiter «Joyeux anniversaire» sur Facebook, mais je ne peux pas trouver son compte. Peut-être, il l'a désactivé.

Voici des informations sur lui:

1. Il est attentif, analytique et attentionné. Il se rapproche de ceux qui semblent lutter de l'intérieur. L'une d'eux était moi. Il savait que j'ai un complexe d'infériorité et le manque de confiance.
2. Il a été celui qui m'a dit que j'hésite beaucoup, donc parfois je perdre beaucoup d'occasions de briller.
3. Il m'a comparé avec une de mes amies. Il disait que j'ai les mêmes qualités comme elle, mais elle excelle plus que moi parce qu'elle n'hésite pas et elle a de confiance.
4. Il m'a poussé à devenir la personne que je suis aujourd'hui; faire des activités de plein air que j'aime, essayer des nouvelles activités (par exemple, maintenant j'ai fait ma première randonnée dans le Royaume-Uni, l'escrime, et dans l'avenir, mon premier demi-marathon en Avril, Incha'Allah), débattre dans la classe et faire une présentation (ou ma participation pour une position dans une élection).
5. Il m'a beaucoup aidé dans mes études; par exemple dans la Littérature Anglaise et le Théâtre.
6. Il avait un "brunch" avec moi au Mamak et m'écoutait quand j'étais triste (quand le moment mon frère aîné a quitté la Malaisie pour étudier au Royaume-Uni).
7. Il est passionné sur des philosophies et des idéologies et les partagent avec moi, bien que parfois je n'en comprendre pas.
8. Nous avons fait beaucoup de projets ensemble, par exemple, la présentation sur l'énergie nucléaire pour la Physique et Epic Theatre pour le Théâtre.
9. Il a également laissé moi d'utiliser son caméra (j'étais photographe pour un jour) pendant notre voyage de bénévolat de classe au Cambodge, bien qu'il savait que ma connaissance de la photographie est peu.
10. Il a donné des réactions constructifs pour moi après une présentation/un débat pour m'encourager à avoir plus d'expérience pratique dans le développement de mes compétences en communication

Il a un an plus âgé que moi, alors, je le regarde comme un frère aîné.

Joyeux anniversaire, mon ami!

***

Today is the birthday of one of the most influential people in my life.
I wanted to wish him "Happy Birthday" on Facebook, but I can't seem to find his account. He may have deactivated it.

A little background about him:

1. A very observant person, analytical and caring. Throughout my time being with him, he approaches those who seem to struggle from the inside. One of them was me. He knew that I have an inferiority complex and lack of confidence, just by observing me a lot.
2. He was the one who told me that I hesitate a lot, hence sometimes lose a lot of opportunities to shine.
3. He even compared me to a friend of mine, telling that the both of us have the same qualities, yet my friend excels further because she never hesitates and trusts her guts.
4. He pushed me to become the person that I am today; doing the outdoor activities that I like, trying out new things (for example, hiking in the UK, fencing, and in the future, my very first half-marathon in April, InsyaAllah), debating in class and doing a presentation (or running for a position in an election).
5. He also helped me a lot in my studies; English Literature and Theatre Arts.
6. He was also willing to have brunch with me at the Mamak and listen to my rants about how sad I was when my older brother left Malaysia to study in the UK.
7. He is passionate about philosophies and ideologies and often share a little about them to me, although sometimes they just don't make sense to me. (Maybe not really something that I would cherish about him)
8. We did a lot of class projects together, from Physics presentation about Nuclear Energy to Epic Theatre for Theatre Arts.
9. He also let me use one of his cameras (be a photographer for one day) during our class volunteering trip to Cambodia, even though he knew that my knowledge on photography is very little.
10. He gave constructive feedback to me after a presentation/a debate in order to encourage me to have more hands-on experience in developing my communication skills

He is one year older than me, a person whom I look up to as a big brother.

Happy birthday, my friend!

Reflection: What am I doing???

***

"Is it wrong to be studying Economics when you literally only care about what you study in your syllabus?"

"Can I call myself a proud Malaysian, studying Economics, having concerns about BREXIT when I don't even know what exactly is happening back in my home country?"

Those are some of the questions that I have been asking myself since earlier this year. The pressure of being an Economics student, especially in one of the most notable universities in the UK for their Department of Economics is taking its toll on me.

Surrounded by friends (well... not all of them) who already have vision on what they would like to become after getting hold of their degree just makes things worse.

I feel like a loser at times. I can't give opinions on my country's current Economy. I feel like I need to know, somehow. What if someone starts asking me about it, but I end up saying "I don't know". People will start questioning what I have been doing in the UK. Wasting the citizens' tax that they paid? But I know, those are just some illusionary expectations that I feel I am obliged to fulfill.

***

To start with about 6 years ago (or more), I've never thought that I'll be doing Economics in university. I was convinced that I like watching documentaries on the universe and dinosaurs. I wanted to be a Physicist (alternatively a Paleontologist/Archaeologist). I was sure that I'll be studying in Science stream. I was also equipped with the mentality that those in Arts stream are not-so-intelligent people. How big and ironic this mistake was!

But Allah has different plans for me. After shedding tears arguing with my parents, I applied for Arts stream in Kolej Islam Sultan Alam Shah (KISAS). One particular reason why I did that was because I believe in the rewards of pleasing my parents, though now I must ask, isn't there any other way I could've done that without sacrificing my own desires? A win-win solution?

Because of that decision, I narrowed my options in choosing what course I wanted to do later in higher education level. Early in my fourth form, I did tell my parents that I would appeal to be changed to the Science stream if I didn't like studying Accounting Principles and Basic Economics. However, that obviously didn't happen and I eventually finished my secondary education with flying colours (it must be stressed however, that I was internally depressed and also perceived myself as not-so-intelligent ever since, due to my own mentality).

To be honest, not many of my recently-made friends, nor those acquaintance of mine before I went to KISAS know that I took Arts stream back in secondary school. Only those whom I really really trust know about this. I was scared that people wouldn't want to be friends with me because I was a "Budak Akaun". I was scared that people will label me as the person who took the "easy way" to obtain a scholarship by getting a string of A+ by taking "not-so difficult" subjects. There were some moments when people start discussing about what they learned in SPM, I just had to keep quiet because I had no idea about what they were talking about.

My SPM results guaranteed me with a Bursary from the government to study either A-Levels, IB Diploma Programme, Foundation or Matriculation in selected institutions in their list. I chose IB partly because I knew of its diverse requirement of taking at least one subject from six different areas of knowledge. I wanted to give myself a chance to learn Physics, although I knew that in the end, I would still be heading for Economics. No matter how much I loved learning Astrophysics, I would still end up drawing Economic models rather than a Hertzsprung-Russell diagram. No matter how much I try to tell others that I want to do something else, there seems to be no concrete reason that will allow me to divert from Economics.

Having fulfilled requirements for another guaranteed scholarship by the government, I arrived here in Warwick. Sometimes I blame myself for ending up in the situation where I am now, bringing up the questions of "What if I didn't apply for Arts stream in the first place? What if I didn't choose to go to KISAS? Why didn't I change my subject combinations when I had the chance to?" I thought that by doing IB, I can erase my identity in the past, but it seems too impossible to be true, when interestingly, in university, some people are just interested to know about my background: which part of Malaysia are you from and where did you study during secondary level. Instead of saying KISAS, I would say that I went to a school in Klang. Quoting my housemate: You don't seem to have pride in your school.

Recently, I came to realise the complexity of Economics; of how you are required to be really good in Mathematics because Economists have been shaping Economics using Mathematical relationships and theorems, of how there are too many uncertainties and assumptions made when promoting a model, of how ceteris paribus is not applicable when it comes to the real world, of how complex and unpredictable humans can be. How arrogant you must have been to be calling a person studying such a demanding and hardcore subject like this, a not-so-intelligent person? And worst of all, you looked down onto yourself!

Earlier this year, my senior suggested that I went for a programme in a mosque in Birmingham. I went and we had an ice-breaking session (although it happened halfway through the programme). We had a short game, in which everyone is given a small piece of paper, and we were supposed to write three questions, hand in the paper and they were shuffled and redistributed randomly. Mine had two questions written on it (I must say that I'm still interested to know who wrote the questions because it really struck me hard).

The questions were:
1. If you could go back in time, what would you want to change?
2. If you're surrounded by bad guys, what would you do?

I answered both questions although only one was required. Answering question 1, I deeply want to go back in time and tell my younger and immatured self: "It doesn't matter what you study, as long as you can give back to the community, you must have pride in yourself. Don't let others step on you by believing that you are worthless."

Recently, I became more uncertain about what I study, to the point that I am afraid to make simple conclusions or suggestions of what policies should be implemented to fix the economy. At the same time, when I read articles concerning Malaysia, I became really depressed to the extent that I do not want to, anymore.

***

"No, I don't think so. Consider yourself being in a better position than those who know that they do not know, but choose to ignore it."

And here in front of me, a person who I wish to be (in many aspects, in fact). Probably she forgot that I study Economics. Maybe not... maybe I just happened to make a stupid comment upon myself/ask a stupid question when she was doing her homework. How could she have known precisely what sort of answer I wanted from her?

"We're not even in Malaysia. It makes sense if you don't know exactly everything."

Such reassuring words.

But it doesn't mean that I should let myself dwell in ignorance anymore. As long as I haven't cleared the recurring questions/regrets that I have out of my heart, until then, I won't be able to have pride in myself. Until then, I will stumble when something doesn't go my way. Until then, I will call myself a loser. Until then, I would continue to ask; "What am I doing?"

***

Deep in my heart, I want to forget all of these unnecessary outrage, and start a journey that I can always smile upon in every glimpse of my life.

*I've recently developed a deep interest in Economic History and would like to study about Malaysia's Economic History in particular. If this is an area that needs more exploration and research, I would definitely want to go for it. Hence, the goal of getting a PhD. I ask Allah for His guidance throughout my entire life. Ameen~*

The Letter that can NEVER be Sent

Dear,

I am a loser, a coward

I can only watch you from the distance

I can never go and ask

"Why are you like this?"

You looked straight into my eyes the first day we met

Nobody has ever been very interested in me like how you did

Your eyes pierced my heart

Their sharpness shattered my voice

I was intimidated by you

But at the same time, mesmerised

I deny the voices that say

"You both are alike in a way"

To me, you were on top of the mountain

I was just starting to climb it

How can we both be the same?

Now you seem very fragile

I feel like slapping you

Before I grab you into my arms

How would you feel if you know

That someone else is distracted thinking about you?

Rain fell onto me I chose to ignore

The sky seemed to understand me more

I drank my coconut juice like a drunkard

Watching figures pass by with a sore

You saw and turned to confirm my identity

My eyes caught your subtle movements

I felt like the tables were turned

Then it was me who is petrifying

I am a loser, a coward

I let you walk away from me

Finishing my juice became the highest priority

Hoping that it soothes my heart

Instead of you having to face me

Assumptions, too many assumptions

In truth, there's no point of me

Giving a biased perspective upon you

These words may not hold true anymore because

I am a loser, a coward

I can only watch you from the distance

I can never go and ask

"Why are you like this?"

From,
Someone you know.

*Inspired by past events*

Adding Two with Two: Buku Harian Baim

Untuk post ini, saya akan menggunakan bahasa ibunda saya iaitu Bahasa Malaysia. Hal ini disebabkan saya rasa ada beberapa perkara yang lebih mudah diterangkan dalam BM berbanding Bahasa Inggeris.

Buku Harian Baim... sebuah sinetron yang ditayangkan di TV9, setiap hari Isnin hingga Jumaat pada 5.30 petang, sejurus selepas Upin & Ipin. Berdasarkan tajuk. senang untuk kita memahami bahawa sinetron ini mengisahkan karakter yang bernama Baim, yang mempunyai diari, memandangkan menggunakan logik umum, "buku harian" bermaksud diari. Hehe... ini baru sahaja bercerita tentang tajuk, belum apa-apa lain lagi...

Saya tidak pasti bermula episod ke berapa saya mula menonton sinetron ini, yang pastinya saya tidak menontonnya sejak dari episod pertama. Oleh itu, saya terpaksalah menggunakan kemahiran "Adding Two with Two" untuk menghubungkan cerita, watak-watak, tema dan konflik yang hendak disampaikan melalui cerita ini.

Minat saya terhadap sinetron ini bermula kerana saya tertarik pada lagu OST yang dicipta khas untuk sinetron ini. Lagu OSTnya diberi tajuk "Catatanku" dan dinyanyikan oleh Melly Goeslaw dan pelakon cilik yang melakonkan watak Baim, Ibrahim Khalil Alkatiri.

Plot sinetron ini amat mudah. Errr... sebenarnya agak rumit... Baim atau nama sebenarnya Ibrahim, seorang kanak-kanak berusia 4 tahun telah disahkan mengalami penyakit Spineccerebellar Degeneration, satu penyakit di mana dia mengalami kekurangan cairan otak yang boleh membawa kepada kelumpuhan. Apabila mengetahui dirinya sudah tidak mempunyai banyak masa untuk hidup, Baim melukis semua kenangan-kenangan manisnya dalam diarinya. Ini plot utamanya, tetapi kebiasaannya, ada laa plot sampingan yang merumitkan cerita, bukan?

Konflik

1. Baim tinggal bersama ibunya yang merupakan seorang ibu tunggal, Alya yang hanya bekerja sebagai seorang guru tadika. Dia juga tinggal bersama kakaknya, Fiona (kemudiannya lari dari rumah kerana mengejar impian menjadi orang kaya) dan abang angkatnya, Satria.
2. Untuk membiayai kos perubatan Baim, Satria telah meminjam sejumlah wang yang besar daripada seorang usahawan kaya, Doni Atmaja. Untuk membayar balik pinjamannya, Satria bekerja sambilan di pejabat Doni kerana dia juga merupakan seorang pelajar universiti. Pada masa yang sama, Satria berpacaran dengan anak angkat Doni, bernama Olive, di universiti. Hubungan antara Satria dan Doni amat tegang (saya tak pasti mengapa, mungkin sebab hakikat Satria berpacaran dengan Olive atau Doni mendesak Satria untuk membayar hutangnya secepat mungkin)
3. Doni sentiasa melawat Baim di hospital dan menggelarkan dirinya sebagai Papa Power Rangers. Identitinya menjadi satu persoalan besar kerana Doni sentiasa memakai topeng Power Rangers merah sewaktu melawat Baim. Alya pada mulanya gembira kerana ada insan yang sanggup meluangkan masa menghibur dan menemani Baim, tetapi apabila dia mendapat tahu bahawa Papa Power Rangers merupakan Doni, dia melarang Baim berjumpa dengannya.
4. Doni mendesak Satria untuk membayar hutangnya secepat mungkin. Setelah berbincang dengan Satria, Alya menawarkan dirinya untuk berjumpa dengan bos Satria di pejabatnya. Tanpa mengetahui identiti bos Satria, Alya telah pergi ke pejabat Doni. Sewaktu dia dipanggil untuk masuk ke dalam pejabat Doni, Alya sekali lagi mendapat tahu bahawa Donilah yang telah meminjamkan wang untuk kos perubatan Baim. Alya akhirnya tidak berjumpa dengan bos Satria.
5. Rupa-rupanya Doni merupakan bekas suami Alya. Doni telah menceraikan Alya demi mengejar kekayaan yang ditawarkan oleh isteri keduanya yang bernama Lisa. Lisa merupakan ibu kandung Olive. Ini apa yang Alya tahu. Pada hakikatnya, Doni sebenarnya rasa terhutang budi dengan Lisa yang telah memberikannya wang untuk membiayai kos perubatan anak perempuan mereka, Fiona. Tambahan pula, Lisa telah mengugut Doni untuk mengahwininya sebagai pampasan untuk hutangnya.
6. Doni mendapat tahu bahawa Baim merupakan anak Alya. Dia cuba untuk menjalankan tanggungjawabnya sebagai seorang bapa terhadap Baim. Dalam proses itu, Doni yang hanya menguruskan syarikat milik Lisa, telah dibuang kerja dan jatuh miskin. Untuk menyara hidup (dan kos perubatan Baim), Doni membaiki barang-barang/alatan-alatan elektronik yang pecah/rosak.
7. Bukan mudah untuk Alya menerima Doni semula dan ia mengambil masa yang lama untuk Alya akhirnya mengakui keikhlasan hati Doni.
8. Seorang doktor pakar kanak-kanak tiba-tiba muncul dan dia bertekad untuk menyembuhkan Baim. Namanya Dr Krisna. Krisna merasakan dirinya terhutang budi kepada Baim kerana Baim telah menggembirakan hatinya di saat dia kebuntuan. Konflik seterusnya muncul apabila hakikat Krisna merupakan abang kandung Satria didedahkan. Satria membenci Krisna kerana dia tidak berada di samping ibunya sewaktu ibunya sakit tenat sebelum kematiannya.
9. Peluang untuk Baim selamat dan pulih dalam pembedahan yang akan dilakukan oleh Dr Krisna amatlah tipis.

Sebenarnya, banyak lagi konflik lain, tetapi tak larat untuk menaip semuanya di sini.

Saya tidak sempat untuk menonton siri ini hingga ke penghujungnya kerana telah memulakan pelajaran di United Kingdom, tetapi mesej yang saya perolehi daripada adik saya di Malaysia ialah pada akhirnya, Baim meninggal dunia (huhuhu... sedihnya...). Tapi bagi saya, banyak pengajaran yang telah saya perolehi daripada sinetron Buku Harian Baim ini.

Pengajaran

1. Hidup ini merupakan sebuah proses pembelajaran. Doni tidak pernah terlibat dalam proses membesarkan Baim. Apabila bersama Baim, dia pada mulanya tidak pasti akan tanggngjawabnya sebagai seorang bapa. Monolog dalamannya jelas menunjukkan penyesalan yang dia alami kerana telah mengabaikan Baim, dan dia bertekad untuk belajar menjadi seorang bapa mithali. Daripada contoh ini, apa yang dapat saya simpulkan ialah tidak kiralah siapa diri kita, atau apa pun keadaan kita sekalipun, tidak salah untuk kita mempelajari daripada kesilapan-kesilapan lalu untuk dijadikan pengajaran, seterusnya menjadi pendorong untuk memperbaiki diri sendiri.
2. Kanak-kanak merupakan entiti yang suci. Mereka pada fitrahnya tidak dikotori dengan kejahatan. Dalam apa jua situasi, Alya telah mengajar Baim bahawa Allah SWT sahajalah tempat dia perlu memohon pertolongan. Baim juga tabah meneruskan kehidupannya kerana dia yakin bahawa dia telah dijanjikan dengan syurga Allah. Untuk itu, dia sentiasa memikirkan cara-cara untuk menghiburkan hati karakter-karakter yang sedang bersedih atau ditimpa kesusahan. Sekali-sekala sinetron ini akan menampilkan karakter-karakter yang mengkritik tindakan Alya "menyuntik" impian untuk cepat mati (dan bertemu dengan Pencipta di syurga) kepada Baim. Namun disebabkan kesucian hatinya, Baim kuat berpegang kepada nasihat-nasihat ibunya dan tidak putus membawa senyuman kepada orang-orang di sekelilingnya.
3. Manusia sanggup melakukan apa sahaja demi mencapai kepuasan hati mereka, selagi mana mereka tidak berpegang kepada ajaran Allah SWT. Watak Lisa layak diberi kredit untuk pengajaran ini. Untuk memastikan Doni tidak kembali kepada Alya, Lisa pernah merancang untuk membunuh Alya. Untuk tidak mengotori tangannya sendiri, dia menggunakan Fiona, anak kandung Alya untuk membunuhnya. Lisa telah membelikan Fiona sebuah kereta baru dengan syarat Fiona dapat melanggar lari Alya pada satu malam (Fiona hanya dapat tahu yang dia perlu langgar Alya pada malam kejadian). Namun begitu, rancangan tersebut tidak berjaya kerana Fiona tidak sanggup untuk melanggar ibunya sendiri. Beberapa episod kemudian, sewaktu Alya dan Doni bakal bernikah semula, Lisa berpura-pura menghidap kanser untuk meraih simpati Alya. Dia tahu bahawa Alya pasti akan mengetepikan niatnya untuk bersama semula dengan Doni kerana Alya pasti mahukan Doni menjaga Lisa yang "hampir menemui ajalnya". Lisa berjaya dalam rancangannya ini apabila sewaktu akad nikah, Alya menyuarakan bahawa dia tidak bersetuju untuk berkahwin dengan Doni. Dalam kes Lisa, dia bukanlah merebut kekayaan (dia dah memang kaya), tetapi amatlah jelas diperlihatkan bahawa sifat hasad dengki yang telah mendorongnya untuk melakukan rencana-rencana jahat terhadap Alya dan keluarganya.

Sekian sahaja post kali ini. Banyak lagi pengajaran yang saya dapat daripada sinetron ini, tetapi saya tidak dapat nak mengingatkan semula semuanya (perbezaan waktu antara kali terakhir saya menonton sinetron ini dan sewaktu saya menulis post ini adalah lebih kurang 5 bulan)

Reflection: My First Ever Elections

"Assalamualaikum, Liyana. Awak berminat tak nak join ISoc Execs?"

Begitulah titik permulaan bagaimana aku boleh melibatkan diri dalam elections utk Islamic Society di Warwick.

Pada mulanya, aku berfikir, layakkah aku utk memegang apa2 jawatan dlm ISoc? Besar kot tanggungjawab memimpin sesebuah badan kerohanian. Aku sangsi dgn kebolehan diriku, namun akhirnya hati berkata, "Apa salahnya mencuba? Kalaun dapat tu, maknanya tanda diri dah bersedia utk memegang jwtn dlm ISoc. Kalau tak dapat, maksudnya banyak lagi la improvement yg perlu dilakukan. Tapi yang paling penting, Allah lah sebaik-baik perancang. Tawakkal je la dgn apa pun keputusan yg datang."

Akak senior yg mula2 tanya soalan di atas sepatutnya membantuku utk nominatekan namaku. Namun begitu, dia tak sempat utk berbuat demikian kerana dia sendiri ditimpa macam2 ujian pada waktu itu. Kad dia hilang diambil orang sewaktu berada di sebuah mesin ATM di London. Jadi, aku terpaksala mencari akak2 lain yg juga merupakan member ISoc utk mencadang namaku utk pencalonan. Alhamdulillah, aku sempat menghantar emel kepada pihak penganjur meskipun boleh dikira sebagai last-minute.

Aku pun mengikuti setiap langkah2 yang digariskan oleh pihak penganjur; daripada membuat manifesto kepada menyediakan teks ucapan pada hari undian dijalankan itu sendiri.

Satu hari sebelum Elections, aku membaca manifesto2 calon2 lain. Aku berasa agak rendah diri kerana kalau dibandingkan antara mereka semua dgn diriku, bagaikan langit dan bumi. Memang jauh perbezaan antara kami, terutamanya dari segi pengalaman. Aku rasa bagaikan aku telah kalah walaupun pertandingan sebenar belum bermula lagi.

Akak2 senior tidak henti memberi sokongan kepadaku. Sokongan mereka mendorong aku untuk menampilkan diri ke hadapan khalayak ramai sebagai diriku sendiri. Sewaktu giliranku tiba, aku berasa agak gementar, namun aku berjaya mengemukakan teks (sebenarnya dlm bentuk points sahaja) yang telah aku sediakan. Aku telah ditanya sebanyak tiga soalan; dua daripada ahli2 Exec ISoc yang bakal melepaskan jawatan2 mereka, dan satu lagi daripada kalangan mereka yang menghadirkan diri ke program tersebut.

Antara nasihat yang aku terima daripada salah seorg drpd akak2 seniorku ialah utk sentiasa berkata jujur dan tidak cuba utk menjadi seseorg yg bukan diri kita sendiri, semata-mata hendak nampak hebat dan berpengalaman, seterusnya menarik perhatian orang untuk mengundi kita. Aku berpegang kepada nasihat ini sewaktu sesi soal jawab. Salah satu soalan yg ditanya adalah samada aku ada pengalaman tak dalam menulis surat2 rasmi, memandangkan jawatan yang aku pertandingkan merupakan jawatan Setiausaha. Aku mungkin ada pengalaman dalam hal itu, tetapi pada waktu itu, otakku tak dapat nak proses dgn baik. Jawapan yg aku berikan mungkin telah meninggalkan impressi yang negatif ke atas diri aku ie. tak kompeten utk jawatan Setiausaha. 

Aku tewas dalam proses Elections tersebut, tetapi kekalahan ini menjadi sebuah kenangan manis buat diriku. Sejujurnya, apa yg telah aku lakukan merupakan satu tindakan yg amat berani. Bukan semua orang mampu utk membuat keputusan utk betanding dlm Elections sebegini, terutamanya kalau mereka hidup dlm komuniti yang bercampur dengan pelajar2 dari pelbagai negara. Perasaan takut utk berhadapan dgn soalan2 yang mencabar juga merupakan salah satu faktor mengapa seseorang tidak mahu melibatkan diri dlm Elections. Hakikatnya, kedua-duanya merupakan dua faktor utama yang menghantui fikiranku sewaktu aku membuat keputusan utk bertanding dlm Elections kali ini. Namun begitu, aku percaya, kalau aku ikutkan sangat perasaan takut itu, aku takkan dapat memperbaiki diri aku kerana sentiasa hidup dalam zon selesa. 

Aku berharap semangat dan keberanian utk membuat perkara2 yg tak dijangka seperti ini dapat berkekalan dlm diriku hingga ke akhir hayatku. Sekian, wallahua'lam.

*Pengarang sudah lama tidak mengarang dalam bahasa ibundanya, jadi dia memohon maaf sekiranya terdapat byk masalah penggunaan bahasa dlm post ini*